I have had two people close to me now to tell me that I should branch out and do more on the internet in the way of posting my thoughts. I had created this site for my late wife’s newsletters to be easily accessible. Now I’m going to start posting my thoughts on here as well.
I’m not too sure what that will look like or how regular it will be, but when I feel led to post things of a spiritual, philosophical or political nature or just feel led to share a thought I will post them here first from now on and see what comes of it.
OK, I’m going to lay some stuff about myself out on the table. If you don’t know me personally, you might want to read my late wife Jenny’s Musings/Newsletters before reading any further because you might not want to read anything I have to say after reading where I am at right now at this momwnt below.
For the past year and 1 month, I’ve been going through a process after the sudden and very unexpected death of my wife. We went from having an ultrasound and doctors suspecting she had benign fybrodic cysts to stage 4a Large Cell Neuroendocrine Carcinoma of the Cervix to her drawing her last breath the first day she was in the middle of being admitted in for her first radiation treatment at Vanderbilt in a two week timeframe.
Together we had faith that G-d could heal her at anytime. Together we were strong. After she was gone, I was told how strong I was. I was told how much I was walking in faith and my calmness during the memorial service back in Crossville TN. But I really wasn’t strong and I really wasn’t calm. I was just really awesome at holding it all in.
Here I am just over a year later. I am good half the time but the other times I am not so good. I struggle with depression. I struggle with loneliness. I feel like I have lost my spiritual edge….we were asked about that at church recently and I was one of the ones who raised their hand while every head was bowed and every eye was closed. I know I have lost my joy in life. I am far from ok and yet I tell people everyday that I am alright, OK and fine. I make for an awesome liar. I’m not reading scripture daily as I should and certainly not like I used too, but I want to….just not enough to actually do it yet.
I used to follow the times of the biblical feasts. As a family, we did a Messianic observance of Passover for the three years prior to my wife’s death. We observed Friday night sabbath for a season but had fallen out of that just before my wife got sick. I have stopped observing any of the appointed times. For anyone not familiar with these, the woman of the house tends to play a central role.
For the first six months or so after her death, I was in complete isolation as a man. You see, she was my sole confidant. I wasn’t a very social person and didn’t really open up with or console in anyone else. So when she was removed from my life, I was in a very serious and bad place.
This spring I got connected with a small men’s group while getting plugged in at our (my step son and my’s) new home church. That was the best thing I could have done because it got me connected with other G-dly men in an environment where I could open up a little with the group and, eventually, a whole lot with one guy who is now serving as an accountability partner for me. He knows things about me now that only my wife knew about and that has helped me tremendously in the anxiety department, but it wasn’t until I was ready to completely melt down that I finally said enough is enough and sent him a text message saying we needed to talk.
Since then I’ve been overcoming some of my struggles, but I’m still in no position to play a role as a spiritual leader, nor would I want to right now. I am just getting back into helping out in ministry but I’m not qualified to lead right now. I know G-d qualifies the unqualified, but I strongly believe in giving myself more time for healing before attempting to step into places I’m not ready for yet.
Did I mention that I am horrible at giving a word of encouragement? LOL
I want my joy back. I want to feel my spiritual edge again.
So, now that I’ve laid all that out there on the table to warn you of what you’re getting into, I will start posting on here and if you want to read it, feel free to subscribe to this blog.
I really had no idea what I was going to say when I started typing and then all of this came to me.