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Idea vs. Reality

Yesterday I mentioned on Facebook that one of my clients was trying to set me up with their assistant.  They went into great detail about what a good match we would be for each other.  They vocalized a detailed list of all these positive things about this single woman and how much better off I and my step son would be if I had someone in my life and he had a mom.  That she’s a devout Christian, never married , etc.  They even wrote down her name and phone number and gave it to me.

I have to admit, physically, the lady that was the subject of this sales pitch is attractive.  If she really did come with all the features and options trying to be sold to me like I had accidentally walked into a car dealership, I might be interested.

The idea is enticing, but the reality is far more complex I think.  Someone who I’ve only spent maybe 10 or so total hours around can’t possibly make such an assessment as to how compatible I am with someone.  I mean, I’ve known myself my whole life and I can’t honestly make that assessment.  Its something that just can’t be known without biting the bullet and actually trying to pursue something with someone.  And that is a somewhat frightening prospect.

The reality, my reality, is that I’m probably never going to get to where I was in my relationship with Jenny on a path that is as fast tracked as ours was.  My entire world has been altered, the very fact that I’m experiencing the loss of intimacy with my late wife puts a whole new spin on my ability to make good judgment calls in the relationship department.

When I say intimacy, I am talking about physical, emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy….not just the physical alone.  So every fiber of my being is disturbed and I am fairly susceptible to making bad choices at this point in my life.  If I had the choice, I wouldn’t date anyone who I haven’t known for a long time for that very reason.  I would feel less susceptible to making bad choices in that kind of situation.  That means being friends first with anyone before doing what I am not really looking foward to (to be honest), dating.

I’ve never really dated anyone.  I’ve rushed into a physical relationship with someone, despite the fact that I have never been able to separate the physical from the emotional and have only ended up hurting myself.

I know G-d’s hand was on my and Jenny’s relationship and we had the strongest and most fulfilling bond I have ever experienced but our relationship moved on a very fast track too.  By some miraculous act of G-d it didn’t explode into a disaster and instead mushroomed into more of a blessing than I could have imagined.

I guess when it comes to relationships I am either hot or cold and that can be a very good thing, but it can be a very dangerous thing with the wrong person….and even more so now.  So while I would absolutely love to have a lovely, devout Christian lady come up next to me in a budding relationship, I can’t help but feel that this is one area of my life that I need to keep the parking brake on for just a bit longer.

G-d knows what I need in the way of a helpmeet.  He knows what Matt needs in the way of a balanced father and what it will take for that to come to full fruition. He knows what she needs that I have to give.  I may have already met her.  I may have not yet.  She may not even exist for all I know and we’re supposed to continue thus journey just like we are….now that’s a scary thought…but its a real possibility.  Whatever the case, I need to proceed with extreme caution and not let the idea blur reality.

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